


If the Lights Are Down

by anassa_anemou



Series: Three Knots [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-09 18:23:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anassa_anemou/pseuds/anassa_anemou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers is awake in a new word where he doesn't really want to live and than Fury is bringing him in and twisting up all the story of how things went after he died. Steve is up to try and get how it all comes back to friends he lost and how to start to adapt again.</p><p>*first part of planned polyamory series*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fury's Tale

**Author's Note:**

> Made for the Small Fandom Big Bang - art by tinylegacies (link coming soon) and [allofthefandoms](http://archiveofourown.org/works/752167/chapters/1461243)

When Steve is called in Director Fury’s office, he isn’t sure what to think about it. For the most part S.H.I.E.L.D leaves him alone in the apartment they gave him, and he only adventures outside when he goes to the old boxing ring or to a coffee place where it’s easy to ask for a cup of joe. They don’t have to debrief him much anymore; he’s starting to know the new world with classes and books in his own time. The best part is they don’t pressure him in interacting with this strange new city. Fury seems to know he needs to find answers for some behaviors before tossing him into the craziness, or least it seems to be the directive for now. Steve doesn’t question it. The past, which mostly feels like yesterday, is haunting him too much for him to care that now they have coffee machines that could take you to the moon, but taste horrible and nothing like the canned beans he is used to.

Agent Hill speaks briefly with him when he arrives, guiding him quickly through the corridors of the base. He hates that it’s all underground; it’s too much like being frozen all over again, or living in the cramped army tents. It’s one thing to see Howard messing with scraps and people passing information in the tiny hideaways; it’s quite another to see this place that seems like an entirely separate city below the ground.

“Sit, Captain, you may be more comfortable.” Fury is behind the desk, looking in a rectangular black object. He doesn’t see any paper around except one file by Steve’s side, seemingly waiting for his arrival. Steve thinks it must be some sort of computer, nothing like the “vintage” one they provided him in his apartment, as though some agent had thought it would be less shocking to him.

Fury waits for him to sit, and Steve knows it’s more courtesy than most would give him. One of the things he is most frequently annoyed in his short excursions is how people tended to be always speaking; he never was a kid to talk much, he had to survive and a mouth could assure you a beating, even if you were a fighter and went around with more courage than your size allowed.

“Do you have a mission for me, Director?” Steve opens the file when Fury pushes it in his direction.

“If you treat education as a mission, then you can certainly say you got one. Take a look in the file, I’ll read my own while you do that.” Fury picks up the black object from the table and starts, Steve assumes, to read. Sometimes he wonders how people can prefer screens over good old paper, when there’s nothing to touch or smell or interact with.

The file doesn’t have pictures, and the first page has several crossed out lines, with all names hidden. It would have been easier to have context, but Fury doesn’t seem to be fazed by his confused face or leaning to simply speak with him before he read the report, so he turns the page and begins:

__

May 17, 1991  
_______ is secured. After a brief period of accommodation, we were successful in erasing possible turns in his line and company. Care taking on his higher levels, it’s imperative to have men on vigilance. We have his full cooperation, but due to his emotional instability and degree of specialization, electronic and fiscal vigilance is required. 

October 8, 1991  
________ set a program to look after _________; he will be handling the situation. The agent discovered a new element and leaked to his alias. The situation is under control, but we removed both agents to another location. Agent C.A. is on order and maintaining them at bay. _________ is starting a plan to a new facility, including labs and training division.  
December 4, 1992

We can send men to the new division, the quarters are read and both _______ and ________ are working to structure a training program. There are spikes of emotional unbalance, and Doctor X is working daily with them.  
January 25, 1994  
________ transferred data to outside the base. We are certain he tried to contact NY, seeing that the city no longer holds what he wants. We gave him a warning and made the security stricter. As we know, both agents work separately, it may became a damaged situation. Agent C.A reported that ________ has new machinery and it’s on the testing for PM continuation.

July 11, 1996  
________ shut down the PM machinery and requested a new project assignation. Assignation granted and plans being made, we have a searching party more equipped and ________ is working the logistics. 

April 19, 2002  
You should not be meddling with business outside of your assignation, Agent Fury. The base been dismantled and you are not to try and contact __________ or ___________. 

May 10, 2006  
You are a very difficult person to reach. The new and improved base is ready and I’m sure you know where it is. Agent C.A. been contacted to handle things on both coasts, remember to tell him thank you.

August 5, 2010  
Just received a missive, I’m not happy, Fury. You were asked to handle one thing and you are doing a very poor job. Need I remind you why I’m still undercover and cooperating with you? I manage to stay hidden from the Army, and you were only aware I lived because of my own wishes. Do not test me, Agent C.A. will be on watch for me. The new machinery is ready and I’m confident to find it. _________ been impatient and you should send him more missions, I will not babysit him.

May 1, 2011  
Take care of him, I will be watching. __________ says the same.

Steve continues to flip pages. It’s clear they were quick messages, sent by people that worked for the Army, but had a reporting system back to Fury. Why the man needed to have intel when he was the government intelligence was unclear, but he suspected WWII had taught people a thing or two about letting any government go unchecked.

Why the people who’d sent him had chosen to do that was a mystery, not to mention who they were. He’s betting his money PM was Project Manhattan, and probably this guy had some connection with him. There are three different informants: one on Fury’s side, one on the government and one that seemed to be the subject itself. The last one intrigues him. Who could have managed to stay under the government radar?

“You may ask me questions; this is off the record, and only the two of us will know the true reason behind your visit.” Fury clasps the black object back at the table and stares at him, waiting. He still didn’t get why the man simply didn’t tell him what he needed to know.

“From what I read, you have sent agents of your own to mingle throughout the base, not controlled by S.H.I.E.L.D. My read is that there are two agents -- probably civilian before joining, due the man’s informality -- that organized a secluded and invisible intel base from the army and the government. They were under heavy vigilance by you and the Army; at first your intel was their intel, until they found you looking and everything disappeared. One of the agents, the smart one, mounted another base were you had previous base or a place he knew only you would identify and is reporting his progress. ” 

Fury continued to look at him, and Steve realized this was a test, he was being evaluated. “PM is probably Project Manhattan. The smart agent has a leverage and continues his cooperation due to something or someone, probably family related as he seems emotional at August, 5. The other agent works with all military involved and they don’t get along, using this Agent C.A as buffer. This C.A acts double, working for you, but willing to respect Smart Agent. I’m not sure what the two types of machinery are for, one of them probably is recreating Project Manhattan, the other to find something, but they seem to have something in common.” Steve waited to see if Fury would interject, but after no reaction he finished. “Agent Strong suffered some sort of illness or compromising situation, he was unstable at first and Agent Smart is tired of taking care of him. Agent C.A also acts as a S.H.I.E.L.D handler. I don’t know anything else and would prefer if you told me whole story instead of waiting for my questions, sir. If it is a mission, we are wasting time, even if I understand your need of evaluating my progress after I woke up, as I said, I didn’t loos my memory or my skills.”

Fury held himself quiet as Steve put the file back to the table and closed it. He was very tired of this game, thought he knew it only began. If Howard been here he would joke about some inappropriate tale and remember officers never told you the whole true, nor made things easier. Being in the army changed Steve, he knew how to take orders and how to keep himself from blowing over bullies too much, but he would never liked the comedy made to pretend things were alright. He found when you are hungry and always waiting your own body to fail you, you learn to trust nobody, even the closest of friends.

“Very well, Captain. I will tell you a short version of what the current situation regarding those agents, but before I do that I need to tell you about how we found you and why I been tracking any and all intel leading to you. ” Fury got up and went to the window, with his back turned to Steve he seemed even more of a mystery. “Howard Stark kept looking for you for years, even after the army and S.H.I.E.L.D. stopped financed him. After the war ended he was a very rich man and with wars always being raised, his job as a armory merchant provided not only privileges like sailing international waters, but having a permission of the ONU, it’s a international organization, I’m sure you read about it, to use resources of the land base in the Arctic.” Fury turn back and smirked, the man knew full well Steve had not only classes at S.H.I.E.L.D. , but receive a impressive collection of date to look through when he got back to his apartment. “As you were filled in, Howard Stark died in 1991, May 17 to be exact. His projects of research were shut down in the government.”

Steve pulled the file back to him and opened in the second page, there it was, the first message was from May 17. Looking back, there was a nagging feeling in his mind about who would be smart enough to stay out of the government eyes. And who was better than Howard? The man that enabled the Project with his machinery, that he was certain now had tried to built again under government orders and failed or let them believe he failed and moved out of their eyes? 

“Howard never died.” Steve wanted to shout, but his throat was dry, twisted in a knot. How many nights he woke up with phantom hands and Howard telling him he was dead, that they were all gone?

“No, he didn’t and no one knows this, not even his son. As a matter of fact, Howard Stark had Tony while his alias commanded the company, Maria Stark, his wife was a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent that was implanted to help the alias. After you died, Howard went recluse and refused to go on field, he only helped the last efforts on war as personal request of Agent Carter. The true is Tony Stark and the whole world believe Stark was alive and dealing his company from a very prestigious position, what was really happening is that a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent replaced Howard. At first he had a mask the real Howard projected, and when the man got older there wasn’t a need to cover up, people believed that was the true Stark, Kevin looked a lot with Howard, that’s why he was chosen in the first place. ”

“This Tony kid, was he really Howard’s?” Steve mind was blank, it all seemed a awful joke, just like the one’s published in the Tijuana's Bibles.

“Tony is Howard’s son, but he only lived with Howard for a few months. When he was six month’s old, Agent Maria and Agent Kevin took him in and they raised him until both were killed in 1991 in a car crash, which truly was accidental and that’s when Howard tried contacting Tony and I started personally dealing with him.”

“I don’t get why would Howard live underground and even more why would he have a kid if he would never get to look at his son again.” Steve got up and started passing.

“Howard has his own personal reasons to go underground and to have a child; what I can say is that once the agent was in his place, the previous contract enabling Kevin to be Howard for a short period of time, became a life contract, the real Howard made sure of it. When the war was over it was the government best interest having Stark away from the media and working in Project Manhattan again, so no one brought it up his desire to stay away. Through the years he helped his company making arms because part of his deal for going underground was supplying the government at any time, he kept Project Manhattan at bay for years playing along the constant requests the front line made. You read about the Cold War, Howard worked ragged around that time, and after it came all sort of wars to keep him occupied. With time, he trained people and requested for a true base where he could train agents for S.H.I.E.L.D. as well as people to do research above ground, he and Peggy Carter were co-founders of S.H.I.E.L.D and both wanted better trained people to help them.”

“So he been your primary scientist for decades and when the fake Howard died he tried to contact his son, when he did, they pressed him back to Project Manhattan and people above ground started handling the rest. ”

“Yes, people above ground and his son. When Agent Kevin died, Tony started learning the basic of the company while Obadiah Stane, partner of the fake Howard persona, took control. When Tony turned twenty one he took the company. One reason I can think for Howard having a son is that he would take the company that in the end, even underground, Howard made.”

Steve wanted to punch Fury, and Howard, and the wall and probably anyone in S.H.I.E.L.D. What would happen to the kid when he found his father was alive and worst, that the man he thought was his father was a fake and his mother been fake too. Of course, that was if they would tell Tony Stark all that.

“Returning to the story, you can see that Howard is the one that reported to me in that file and that at some point he took the serum, but that one wasn’t the same as yours. It granted him something very close to immortality. He told my informant after people started to notice he didn’t get older that this serum was a false serum made before yours and that in fact was something he and Erskin tested before the man died. We don’t have proof of that, but we don’t have proof of any creation of his own and he is too important for the military torture him about it.” Fury turned back and sat at the table again. “Now we should concentrate in Agent C.A and the other agent.”

Steve sat back too, he was sure this was going to turn even more messed and problematic. His mind was just starting to pick up and remind him that somewhere out there Howard was alive and that in all that been happening to him, there was thing that never changed: that son of a gun had the upper hand. Only Howard would turn immortal and handle things from far away, only him would have total control, even when everything started to crush around.

“You will meet Agent C.A later, he isn’t important right now, because he is handling Tony Stark and other S.H.I.E.L.D. interests. The other agent, the one you call Agent Strong doesn't work well with Howard on the personal level, but they did a very good job working the knew base together. He also has a very important job in the mission that found you. Howard and him had to keep hidden, but when Howard found a possible location to find your body, the other agent planed a way for the government to find you without anyone finding who truly made the discovery. ”

“Who is he?” Fury looked hard a him for interrupting and got up again, Steve was sure who ever was the other agent it didn’t please the director.

“Most people in my business know him as the Winter Soldier, I know him as Agent B, you I’m sure called him only Bucky.”

Steve shot from his chair, what the hell was Fury playing right now? He could see Howard being alive, he was very disappointed when they told him the man died in a car crash, it seemed so mundane. But Bucky? He saw Bucky die, he didn’t save him and he would have jumped in if he wasn’t sure he still had a job to do. Falling from that height would absolutely killed his friend and if Fury thought he would believe in this fool’s tale, he was very much wrong. 

“James is dead, Director. Anyone that tell otherwise is crazy or playing the fool. I heard what you had to say and I don’t honestly believe you, so I would like to be dismissed and we will pretend you never call me here and that I never heard this ” Steve moved to the door, only to be stopped by a hand in his shoulder.

“Do you honestly believe I would tell you a half arsed history to mess with you, Captain? The reason why Maria Hill believes you came here so I could evaluate you on your progress is clear: S.H.I.E.L.D doesn’t know about this and that file was written by me and will be burned before you leave this building. I’m aware you won’t believe in this without proof, that’s why I arranged for you to go on a mission, as soon as you leave my office. S.H.I.E.L.D records will show that you are training on one of our bases, and you will be. But instead of going to your apartment every night, you will enter it and follow to Howard’s base. ”

Steve turned back and saw the black object in Fury’s hand with what appeared to be a map. He took it and saw the thing closer, it was a labyrinth and he was sure he would only have a few moments before it would disappear. If Fury was lying he would not send Steve to this place, and he didn’t know what to think. 

“The basement in your apartment building is a laundry room, the fifth machine has a mechanism that will open the passage for the tunnel; instead of the time, put your name and the times you tried to join army in code. When you reach the end of the corridors there will be a no end wall, put your hand against it, and you will hear a question. It changes depending on the person, Howard will know what to ask you. He will give you coordinates for the real S.H.I.E.L.D base, you are expected to get there in one week, by land that would take that whole time, with Stark’s methods only one day and therefore giving you time to get situated with them.” Fury looked at him in the eye and squeezed his shoulder one more time. “You may not believe, but I want you to be comfortable in this century. Not only for my own interests, but you are very important for a few of my agents.” 

With that Fury went back to his desk and Steve moved to get out, he heard a quiet “Good luck” when the door swished open, but when he turned to say “Thank you” it was already closed.


	2. Spy Ghosts

Steve doesn’t remember walking back to his apartment, it’s blurry and he hates to think in war he could been killed over and over again if not for the serum; this is not war, but it seem just as hard. Peggy would trow a tiny smile and ask him why was him unfocused when so much was in line, he wonders if she is truly dead or if it’s another lie. He hopes it’s a lie and feels instantly egoistic, he just learned two of his friends are alive and he wants more. How many people went back to their daily lives without husbands, wives, parents or children? How many were waiting he end the war and bring back their son’s?

His building is quiet, somehow only now he realises the city is buzzing around him, but this particular construction seems almost abandoned. Once or twice, after he moved in, he crossed people going out, but they all lacked purpose, just like they most likely acted out to serve as background. This place is probably all fake to make him feel immersed on the city, just like the room where he woke up, only better structured. The thought makes him laugh to himself, he was a soldier on war, fighting Nazis and seeing people die around him like fleas and they think technology will scare him. What scares him the most, in this new world, is how people pass by him and don’t seem to see a person is there, not because they see a symbol, Captain America, but because they are so focused on themselves other people just disappear under the radar.

Growing up on Brooklyn was ruff, he will never deny that, nevertheless there was always a kid or old woman to say “good morning” or another man to outcry against the weather. Here everyone is walking around and no one stops, and it’s all very lonely. There aren’t gangsters to beat people on the street; a least they are not visible and Steve wonders if they been started getting smarter after the war or not.

He slips pass the doorman, who always been nice, maybe he is a S.H.I.E.L.D agent as well, maybe everyone he been in contact with been S.H.I.E.L.D’s and he didn’t notice while just trying to breath. The laundry room is old and smells like mold, probably no one ever used it and it only serves as a cover too. Taking his time to reach the fifth washing machine he asks himself if he can go to them and feel alright. Howard’s death is a very new idea on his head, but Bucky’s? He dreamt and woke up screaming, everyday until he went after Schmidt and smashed himself against the ice. He cried and broke things, and felt as if nothing mattered. Peggy and Howard tried to make him calm himself, and he shoved them away, he would never forget Howard’s face when he thrown a book to his head. 

And now he would face both of them, and he isn’t so sure what to do, or why he isn’t shaking when his mouth almost taste bile and his head is still a mess. He moved the dial making the code that Fury told him, when he finished there was a crack and the button sank to a hole. He waited and soon enough the wall behind him moved forward reveling a little space that he only could pass onto his side. He entered the dim tunnel and immediately the entrance closed.

He waited a few minutes adjusting his eyes to the dark, the only light available was embedded in the walls near the ground, making it harder to define how long was the corridor. Steve moved freely letting only his mind do the job instead of thrusting his eyes or what his superficial thoughts told him to do. His feet moved slowly and he let himself get lost only in the directions, his mind free to rest. 

Bucky alive and Howard alive, yeah, Steve never been out of courage, but here and now, he wished he been less interested in following orders or less curious to figure if Fury was telling or not the truth. It might save him the heart ache that is bound to come back crashing in a new wave after all of what he been ruminating since he woke up.

***

 

The door to the base isn’t really a door, it appears to be a wall with no ending, much like the wall from where he entered the tunnel. The only thing that is different is that instead of a washing machine there is a old wood table with a book on top. He reaches for the book and someone starts talking:

You reached a dead end, if you would like to explore further, please return to the tunnel and turn left. If you would like to meet with my developer, answer the new question: what object was thrown in his head when he only wished to help? State the complete name of the object, not missing it’s creator.

Steve mummers a book and the name “Principles of Quantum Mechanics by Paul Dirac” and the voice responds before the wall opens to a bright and small coffee shop: Have a good day, Captain. Howard always had a weird humor and Steve isn’t sure how much the question posed as a joke and how much the man still took a grudge. Moving he notices one of the chairs is occupied by someone and he isn’t sure who it is seeing only an enormous jacket of a fabric he never saw. 

When he bypasses the chair to ask the person where is everyone and why he is in a coffee shop he realises the person sit ted holding a foam cup like the one’s he saw in a crowded Starbucks is Bucky. Or a least someone that looks just like Bucky, after seeing Schmidt take his face off and hearing fury tell him the fake Howard used a mask, he isn’t sure if this isn’t someone passing as his dead friend.

“Howard thought it would be best if we talked in a friendly environment. The man is overbearing when he wants to be; after they fished you from the Arctic he started making this place and orchestrating our encounter.”

“You don’t sound like Bucky, the accent is all wrong and you wouldn’t be wearing that thick jacket inside. So I want to know who you really are.” Steve didn’t seat, he wasn’t interested in having a nice time, he just wanted to hear the truth.

“You have been a long time away to know how I sound, Steve. Besides if you want to knit-pick on things you should ask why I’m still the same age as you even if it’s been seventh years and I didn’t took any serum.” The man gestures for him to sit, so he did, knowing this would be so complicate as taking information from Fury had been. 

Steve didn’t reply, he was here to hear things. Everyone knew about his whereabouts, not only the army back at war, but after his defrosting. He on the other hand only knew what people taught he could know, and obviously that was very little.

“Very well, I won’t offer coffee because I know you wouldn’t trust me preparing your drink.” The man stopped to take a sip of his own coffee and looked straight in Steve eyes before starting to speak again. “My body was found by the soviets, they took me to one of their base and put a metal arm in the place of the one I lost when I felt. They kept me more or less frozen, only unfreezing me when they needed someone on a mission. I didn’t remember how I got there and they were nice to me, saying they saved me from being eaten by mountain wolves. They told me my family died when the Nazis made a raid in my village and that they were very bad man, wanting to destroy everything and everyone. You don’t turn generosity away when you don’t even remember your name. I started with minor jobs and training, but the war ended and they froze me again. A few years later they brainwashed me and made me the perfect assassin, I worked years killing U.S agents, planing and attacking innocent people, trying to get the soviets the upper hand in Cold War.” 

What should he say? His friend wouldn’t kill innocents, their enemies were always Hydra people and it was only to avoid more killing to happen with Schmidt ‘s weaponry. How could he look at this man and see Bucky, when those actions didn’t match with his friend morals and character.

“Don’t go there, Steve, you don’t really want to know what I did. I try not to and Stark refuses to erase my memory again. I try and get the tally positive, helping train people so we have a good intelligence that avoids most attacks against civilian and doing myself missions against people that could do a great damage. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s what I can do.”

“I still don’t think you are Bucky and I wasn’t thinking about what you did, I was only thinking that my Bucky wouldn’t do that.” Steve said it with his face hard, he was tired of those foolish tales, they didn’t prove anything.

“You don’t know how people can do horrible things, period. Don’t interrupt me. You saw the war, yes, I saw so many wars that even all the scars in my body and all of the machines Stark ever made don’t even measure to the number of atrocities I saw while I’ve been the Winter Soldier. Funny you would say “my Bucky”, I wasn’t much in your live when you turned the great Captain America. You had Peggy and Howard and who knows what you did when you slept in his private quarters. I don’t blame you for letting me fall, it was an accident, but don’t come here feeling the greatest man to ever walk on this earth when you don’t know half of what I been trough in the last seventh years.” The man voice never raised, but Steve could see the anger in eyes, and the leveled voice was more scary than any shout Steve and Bucky ever traded.

“Do you expect me to look at you and just hug you? I saw you falling, no one found you and the next day I had to be fighting again, and the next, and the next. I screamed, I thrown things at Howard, I willed Peggy away. I woke up every night calling for you, crying while I watched you falling over and over. I wanted to kill Schmidt, and I went to finish it once and for all. When I woke up, it was like living it all over again. I’m sorry if I can’t believe you are here, I saw you die.” Steve got up frustrated, why were they playing him like this?

“When you were eight, I told you the stars were bright little things made of women’s dreams, you cried for hours knowing your mother’s were there too. When you were ten, a bully burnt your hand against one of the bonfires people used to make to stay warm in the winter. When you were thirteen, I kissed your cheek to thank you for the shoelaces you gave me, you found them in an ally behind the third street, until today I think it was from a dead body, even if you denied it. At sixteen, you felt in love with Amanda Travis, a redhead full of freckles in her face and a good punching arm, she told you to “never get near her with your scrawny body”. With seventeen you first looked at a guy and punched me when I told it was ok if you were queer.”

Steve eyes were prickling, was really this man Bucky? How did he know those things if they brainwashed him? Before he could say something a door opened an there was Howard. He seemed a few years older than Steve remembered. Steve isn’t sure if it something the serum did, immortalizing Howard in a later date, because he doesn’t know when Howard took the serum, or if his eyes are playing him after believing and seeing pictures of a much older Stark in the newspapers S.H.I.E.L.D. randed him.

“I apologize for interrupting you two, but I think is better if we took the conversation elsewhere. Code 33-5, Barnes.”

“Shit, fine, I’ll talk to you later, Steve. Stark, don’t over share, I want to tell him certain things.” Bucky got up and left trough a door to their left, that Steve didn’t even realized it was there; this spy thing was way more complicated then it was with a war raging.

“Come on, let me take you to your room. I know you have the old apartment above ground, but you will probably feel more comfortable here and if you decide to come back it will be a least a place with privacy.”


	3. Of Immortal and other ramblings

Howard led him trough the door he entered before and Steve found himself in a new tunnel, this one had a normal fluorescent light like most of the places he entered in the twenty first century, something he wasn’t expecting, Howard always been creative with his surroundings. When Steve first meet the man’s mansion he was amazed by the garden full of lamps in different colours; he love how they played at night, looking like he entered a whole new world, a magical one far away from the ugliness the war brought to everything.

“Is everything alright? Bucky looked mad.” Steve saw Howard’s jaw tense, before he turned his face to answer.

“Bucky” Howard started stressing the nickname, his hand made a jerk movement that indicated the man wasn’t too happy to talk about it. “has a new mission coming in and one of his personal got shot in training, now he will have to replace the agent. Barnes hates when he has to fill paperwork or train other people to take a mission that was already very well calculated.”

“You have paperwork here? I thought you hated going trough that stuff.” Steve looked confused and Howard smiled at him.

“When I didn’t had to organized anything but myself it was easy, now I have to run trough almost everybody down here and it’s easier if I just get a form or record of the their debriefing.” Howard didn’t sound convinced about it, but if he was anything like Director Fury, Steve could understand it was way too much work for just one person and at the same time, not many people should have the whole picture of things.

“I bet is lonely.”

“It is, but you are here now and I expect you will keep me company when not with Barnes or the in the fake training.” They finally reached the end of the corridor and Howard stopped in front of a control, typing a password, then letting his in front of a green light and a last touching a square with his hand. “When you come next time, do the same, the password changes every day, I will give it to you the day before, if for any reason you don’t know it, I will be in the coffee shop to take you in.”

They entered a big room that looked like a hotel lounge, there were several doors in each side of a information desk, that had two very pretty identical blonds behind huge screens. Howard didn’t pay them any attention, he simply walked to the elevator further away from them and led Steve in. Once inside, Howard pushed several numbers and letters and, what seemed to be an elevator, started moving.

It was very strange to see Howard Stark quiet, but Steve remembered being a spy made people extra careful and if there was any possibility someone could heard them, Howard wouldn’t risk exposure. If Bucky had changed so much to the point of being cold with him, Steve wondered how much had Howard changed that his tongue seemed tied.

When the door finally stopped, Steve moved first stepping outside of the elevator, what he seen next was incredible and he let it pass the generic corridors he seem so far. There was a mansion, very similar to the one he meet in New York. A bright light simulated the sun and there was a much simpler garden, but a very lush one in the whole front of the porch. The house was a bright blue, like the sky when the weather was clear. He could see several windows and the porch had a swing. Steve looked to Howard smiling face and squeezed his arm, this was much more than what he expected to be underground.

“Come one, I think you want to meet the inside as well.”

The porch had a very elegant brown couch with other chairs near it and two large center tables that Steve imagine were for serving tea or iced lemon. Inside, the door opened to a large living room, all white furniture with a fireplace in the middle and a huge screen, it was almost like a projection room with the large three side sofa turned to it. Howard didn’t stop, but took him to a door in the opposite wall, where they reached a hall with doors and a staircase on the side that led to the upper floor and their next destination when they started to climb it. The upper floor only had four doors and Howard took him to the last one, opening to a spacious room.

“Now we can sit and chat, later Barnes can take you on a house tour to show you the rest of it. Tell me, do you believe now he is your Bucky? Fury mentioned you were skeptical.” Howard took the lead this time and crossed the room to sit on the bed.

“I think, maybe, it’s still hard to believe he really is alive, but if he knows those things about me, then is probably him. I know he didn’t share our childhood stories with other people and if someone found him in ice like me, what can I say?”

“Well, he will tell you how it worked when they found him, the extended version, I know he already told a bit about it.” Howard mentioned for Steve to sit, patting in the bed, just beside him. “Now is my turn to enchant you with brave tales.”

Steve laughed despise his tiredness and let his body fall back in bed. Howard was always speaking, and more times than he could count the man told him of his pursues of dames. One or another time he would speak of men he meet in private parties and in those times he would whisper, making Steve lean against him; the hot breath arousing him and leading to a frantic encounter. He knew now people were mostly open about their sexuality, he heard boys and girls chatting in the cafe near the apartment and the Internet was full with many sites of pride.

“So, I bet you have a lot of questions and you can ask me anything, anytime, Steve, but I wanted to tell you a few things first, so just hear me out. I never stopped looking for you and as much as it pains me to say it, it wrecked even more my social skills outside of lovers. I hid and pretended there wasn’t a war out there and things went even crazier when you died. Peggy tried to help out, but she was in pain too, she really did want to be with you. I hated her for that, I know she knew about us, but it seems we didn’t look like loving birds and she thought it was just to relieve stress whiteout fearing a pregnancy. When the ward was over or a lest SSR didn’t need me for anything and could handle the clean up alone I vanished. Do you remember the old mansion?” At Steve nod Howard smiled and went back to his tale. “Well, I went there and drunk myself stupid, until one day I was going through the old reports I left at my study and found some scribbling on the margins. Most people think I only worked building the machines for Rebirth, the trues is I had to know what the serum should do and how my machine should work to get the result. An yes, Erskin could tell me to make it inject things on the little man and that energy should run through, but he was smart enough to know I needed more than that. So I did know a lot and I won’t repeat it to anyone, not even you, but I had been experimenting with the thing and when I finally tested I got a nice deal: a serum that made me not a super soldier like you, but a very resistant human that has very little chance of die of natural causes, common poisons and the occasional bullet.”

Howard looked back at Steve, so far he been looking to the door of the room, alert and tense. Something changed in his posture and he flopped in bed beside Steve a few seconds later. Maybe he had super hearing? Steve wanted to ask, but Howard started speaking again and he let himself listen.

“When Peggy realised I didn’t changed much in the years that gone by, she called on my bullshit and invited me to reorganize SSR into the bases of S.H.I.E.L.D. I met Kevin then and I hate to say the guy looked just like me, only the hair was a bit lighter. Three months later I had people benching me and wanting Stark Industries full on guns and I just wanted to tell everybody to fuck themselves. Peggy told me to just disappear, but I couldn’t. It was a pride decision, but how could I let everything I worked so damn hard just be forgotten? So I asked Kevin on a drink when he had a leave and proposed him. He talked things out with his superiors and it was a win win situation for everyone involved. I was out of the social life and the government had my full attention or very close to it with anything they needed and I would have some peace. I started a two pass game and Kevin made things look like I had all those contracts with the army. For a few years everything was easy, it was just me and my labs, until people started speculate why I wasn’t married and to whom the company would go if I died.”

“I never thought you wanted kids, and yeah that could have changed while I was frozen, but I remember you telling me the dames where just a game, much like cat and mouse, only you were the mouse and the public opinion was the cat.” Howard turned on his side and it was like they transported back to his private quarters back in London. 

Steve shared his room with the Howling Commandos, so there wasn’t much privacy. He did grow up sharing everything, more times he could count he shared a tiny bed with Bucky, and there always were people around watching them. Howard had offered his private quarters, a luxury he had demanded, claiming that other people would not let him sleep well and he needed his few hours to function for more twenty or forth hours pulling apart Hydra tech. Steve accepted because his new improved hearing would make near impossible sleep around Dum Dum and Jacques snores. 

“Yes well, it was game, and I risked my neck every time a woman got near me for my fame. If any of them had a single sniff and started to spread that I was an invert, things would blow up in my face and it wouldn’t have anything to do with blueish Hydra guns.” Howard looked strung, not the good type when he would go to his labs and create things, but the wrong one when he didn’t want to speak about it. “I wanted kids, but not in the middle of war or to a woman who didn’t know better. How would end up a kid that the mother didn’t care if she just gave birth and that her son would need her? A woman that would only want my money? I did wait, until it was having a kid and giving him what I had built, so he continued the Stark name. I’m sure Tony wants to kill me with bare hands, I know what crap mother and father he got because I decided to play spy, but I never will stop loving or regretting having that bright kid looking at me and doing things no five month toddler new how to do. It was selfish and I pay for it every single day when I see him there almost alone and betrayed by people that should help him. I do my best, which isn’t much, but is better than most people would think I was capable of.”

“How old is he know?”

“I say kid, but he is a grown man, middle age getting to him. He is thirty six and counting. I watched every damned step he gave.” The bitter laugh that accompanied the last phrase made Steve pull Howard against his chest and rock him.

Steve only knew Antony Stark existed because of that ugly tower that marred New York skyline. At first he would pass by, hoping to see something or perhaps someone that could tell him what sort of man Howard’s son was, but he knew he didn’t scream important and people just passed by. In his head Tony was kid, because how could Howard have a thirty six old son and look almost the same? Even looking around in the city and all the changes that been made he still have difficulty to really get he was relatively speaking ninety years old. The time on ice was a closing of eyes and he leap forward seventy years with a crash a plain as mediator.

Howard’s arm had been draped around Steve for a few minutes now and it was touching the skin that started to peek beneath his t-shirt. For the man beside him it had been decades since they touched, since they laid together in bed and tried to scare off each others fears. For Steve it was just a few weeks back when he barged in Howard workshop and hauled the man to his quarters and kissed him full on the mouth, wanting nothing more than forget everything.

It was utter confusing, this Howard that was content in just cuddle against him and be silent. Back then they would fuck in any place that had a bolt, kiss frantically for hours trying to keep heat in their bodies. Sometimes, Peggy would share the blankets and they would tell stories of before the war and Steve would hold her hand and Howard’s hand in his until they slept, but that was because Peggy didn’t need to know about them, even if Steve had a suspicion the real reason she never really considered a relationship of their own, was because she quickly learned of Steve’s and Howard’s deal. If Howard was correct and she think after the war Steve would settle down with a woman, preferably her, believing the queer was just a phase, not even Steve could tell what he would do if he hadn’t crash.

“S.H.I.E.L.D brought me Barnes in 91 and I was wrecked with Kevin and Maria being dead. I feared for Tony, Stane, who at the time started running the company until my son reached twenty one, was a friend of Kevin, not that he known it was Kevin and not me, but Kevin trusted him. Even if Kevin was a puppy, leaving the double life, he did a lot on his own. So there I was, without Kevin to help, Tony drunk and sleeping trough New York, my company in Stane’s hand, and S.H.I.E.L.D dumps Barnes in my hand and tell me to work with him. He was wrecked, and I had to figure out all triggers the soviets put in his brain at the same time I had to look after Tony and keep a eye on Stane and still built guns and tanks and all the shebang. ” Howard moved out of his arms and slided to the head of the bed, gesturing Steve to follow. “I took him in, Barnes that is, and did test upon test with all the heavy machines until I figured a ship in his brain that gave him memories or put them on hold, it was months until I cracked the thing without unleashing doom or you know, any poison the soviets put in it so no one would find it and work with it. When I got it out, it didn’t get easier, he had depression and post war trauma and I had to work around all, pretty much alone. Almost seventy years undercover made me a very good psychologist and surgeon; lots of time to study, you know.”

“If you patch him up why does he treat you like that? You call him Barnes, Howard. Only in army he was that and it was came with the Sergeant title.” Steve gave a sad smile, he was smart and he could see it wasn’t easy, but how could two people work for more than twenty years and not be friendly with each other?

“He never forgave me for not finding you or him back then. Who I am kidding? Barnes hates we where together, he hates me for having you in those last days and the fact I am a petty man and scrubbed in his face how I comforted you when he fell and was frozen. We fight and that keeps us alive, Steve. It’s not that bad, but we are not good friends, we are colleagues that never really chosen to work together and we can’t just blow things over and find another job. ” Howard moved from bed all together and got to the other side of the room so fast Steve doubted he hadn’t some hidden super soldier properties. “If we are here, still working together, is because we never gave up on finding you. You better rest and think about all of this; I ‘ll be in the library, it’s the first door on the left when you come from the living room. Anything you need, just call me or go find me. The red button calls me directly, the blue one, Barnes.” Howard pointed to the light switch beside the door and left when Steve said a brief ok. This was one of Howard’s “get alone and drink to forget” times and Steve knew he couldn’t follow; he couldn’t imagine how much stress the man lived so far.

Steve closed his eyes, how the hell could he rest with his head buzzing?


	4. Foundue for three

When Bucky reached what he and Stark been calling Steve’s room for years, he was surprised to see the man asleep. Howard tended to speak for hours if led to believe people around him gave a shit about what he was speaking, Bucky himself had to listen uncountable times his gibberish. Approaching the bed Bucky sat near Steve, giving space not to jostle the other and wake him up.

Steve looked strange to his own eyes, there was too many time between his fall to the ice mountainous ground and now with both of them awake. Just after Howard made him remember who he was, he would stay hours looking at the ceiling, thinking if somehow Steve would be frozen out there too. The imagine in his eyes never was of the bulky man resting in bed, but the fragile tiny Steve he used to be in Brooklyn. 

No once, Bucky blamed Steve for the accident and when they found Steve still alive he was mostly glad to be frozen, because that was the only way he would be in this new century with his best friend. Now he was strong just like Captain America and to his advantage he was very well versed in the contemporary times. Trough the vigilance they kept on Steve, both him and Howard saw how little he integrated with the life around him, not because Steve was stupid, but because he still lived in the past.

Bucky knew how it was to live like that; he begged Stark many times to be let alone or to erase all over again the memories of what he done as a spy and assassin. He learned to compartmentalize those memories to live. Now he was being thrown back to late nights of cuddling to keep body warmth, or when he and Steve would buy bread and huddle close to eat it together because they wouldn’t have money to buy one for each. He remembered the odd jobs, and the times Steve would drawn him while he slept from exhaustion of one or another night gig.

That Steve used to lean on Bucky for everything, even when he didn’t need, not because he was weak, but because they wanted to include each other in what they were currently doing. So much changed when Bucky left Steve behind to go to war; not only they part, but Bucky lost himself in the woman he could find; woman that only saw him as a opportunity to get money or food because the rationing was less restrictive for army personal. When Steve rescued him, he saw a man that had his own friends and that was more confident and precise. Captain America was the dream of every woman and a few man, that wanted something and didn’t just envied him for his figure; Steve Rogers was a great man to be around, now that he had a secure presence that made people pay attention.

Peggy and Howard flanked him almost all the time when he wasn’t in missions and they were very open in their affections. Stark had been such a ladies man that people didn’t even realize he preferred cute boys, fresh from home and starved for affection; bewildered the important man was paying attention to them. Peggy found a strong link to keep her root and well with her career, and she probably thought a military man would be a gold choice as a husband, all of that added to the fact Steve was a perfect gentleman with the dames and how he was free of prejudice about woman in men’s careers.

What kept plaguing Bucky was why did Steve let go of him while being with others; the only time he saw his friend was when they were with the Howling Commandos and his attention was always divided. It hurt to think he found better friends and that old Bucky, that was there for him didn’t get a chance in this new improved Steve life.

“I did some food, you should wake him up, Fury wants him sleeping in his apartment tonight.” Bucky look to the door, were Stark was leaning against the frame, watching him as much as he been watching Steve.

Bucky turned to Steve and put a hand in his shoulder, just pressing lightly; Steve always had a light sleep pattern, only when he was hurt his body took him to a healing coma that could make him almost dead to the world. Instantly as his hand touched the shoulder, Steve eyes started to flutter and he opened his eyes.   
“Did something happened?” Steve was looking straight to Bucky’s face and Howard left the room, knowing that Steve would probably talk to Barnes before both men got down to eat.

“Stark has dinner ready, Fury wants you to sleep in your apartment for today, he doesn’t want S.H.I.E.L.D. to realise you are entertaining yourself away from the normal places you used to go.” Bucky got up, letting Steve roll from the center of bed to sit where he been.

“Howard can cook? If we ate together Jarvis got it prepared or he would send someone out to restaurants, I only remember his drinks.” Steve got up and stayed close to Bucky and he felt like Steve wanted to hug him, but wasn’t sure if it was appropriate or not; his posture was still relax from sleep, but his eyes weren't meeting Bucky’s. 

“His food is actually good, not that you should tell him I said that. When it was just me and him, he started to watch those woman’s cooking television shows and he learned the basics, later he started to buy cook books and experiment, let’s just say I wasn’t too fond of being a lab rat, even if it was just food.” Steve smiled and waited to see if he would say anything else, since Bucky kept his mouth shut, he started to walk to the door.

“Show me the kitchen? I think even if his food is bad I will eat most of it, my body seems always prepared to eat more.” Steve confessed in a low voice and his face was shy, something Bucky didn’t really get, they never were shy with each other.

Bucky led the way to downstairs and while they didn’t talk, Bucky mind was working furiously trying to get why Steve wasn’t comfortable around him. Until it struck him, at first Steve thought he was a farce, now he was staring to believe Bucky was real and alive,but he wasn’t recognizing him just as his friend. For missions, Bucky used a arm developed by Stark that looked just like human flesh, it was warm to touch and behave similarly to real human arm, at home, the only place he was comfortable, he would use a old prototype, made of steel, that allowed him to move without problem, but wasn’t deceiving and his agents were aware of who he was.

“Is it fondue? I hate you, Howard!” Bucky came back from his thoughts seeing Stark grinning and Steve laughing at the table. 

He remembered now how Steve and Peggy fought about his kiss to another woman, when Steve himself thought fondue was a codename for sex. Only Stark would joke with Steve with such a old story. Bucky sat in the small round table in the winter garden, his legs brushing Howard’s in the cramped German corner table. Steve looked at them and started eating, his eyes on the food.

Outside of Howard explaining Steve how to eat, showing how to deep things on the chocolate and the cheese as well as putting meat to fry inside one of the pans, neither of them spoke much. Steve asked about the light that appeared to be natural and Bucky mumbled about the possible choices for a new agent to his team.

When they finished Howard hugged Steve and told him to get back the next day, telling him quietly, that fondue was the password for the second door. When he left to start washing the plates, Bucky mentioned to Steve follow him out of the kitchen and back at the hall. He did a quick show of the doors, so Steve knew the rest of the house.

Opening the doors, they found the library Howard been earlier, his book and a mug of hot chocolate still lay on one of the tables; then Bucky’s game room with darts boar, pool table and poker table, in the back there was a sofa bed that he would read reports or some book the stole from Howard library; the opened the studio next and Steve gaped at the art material and the framed drawings Howard kept from the war time, they were both from Bucky and Stark, things they collected from Steve and that Howard manage to salvage after Bucky felt to death and when Steve disappeared.

“How?” Steve didn’t look at him, but Bucky could see the shinning eyes.

“Howard kept all of yours and my thing and put them at the New York Manor, when we moved here he asked a agent to extract most of the things, leaving in S.H.I.E.L.D. some other things to avoid calling attention to what disappeared. He gave me my things and some of the drawings and told me he would do a room for your art. He always knew he would find you, when we did, he finished decorating the place and buying all sort of things around the world. ‘Only the best, Barnes’ he said when I asked him why he would fly nankeen from Japan.”

Steve kept staring the wall, where most of his drawings were hanged, Bucky kept silent, wishing to know what was Steve thinking. The truth was Howard made sure Steve would have his own place in the house, and Bucky didn’t get how would it work, but seeing Steve touch the colorful pencils with reverence he could see why Stark did it. There wasn't any place for Steve to call home, but if he eventually wanted, Howard would open their home for Steve, because Steve never left them, this house had been Steve’s all along.

Bucky touched Steve shoulder one more time and mentioned with his head the door and reluctantly Steve followed. They saw the reunion room where Howard and Bucky would take the decisions about the base and the occasional problems around the house. They saw a dinner room for visits, that no one never used, but Howard insisted it would be someday. Bucky told Steve where to press in the stairs to find the door for Howard personal labs, the ones he would work with Stark technology before his son took the business in his hands and where he would upgrade Bucky’s arm or make anything that he didn’t want S.H.I.E.L.D. snooping around. They took a brief look in the movie room and the gym, until Bucky shown him his favorite place in the house, a room that simulated a observatory and had a plushy floor to laid down and just look the galaxies and the stars or the 3D surfaces of the planets.

Steve looked overwhelmed and Bucky knew it was time to take him back to the Coffee Shop, before Howard came to tell them again or Bucky heard from Fury himself. He didn’t want to let Steve go, no after all the time he had to wait to see his face again, but he didn’t have a choice. When he called Steve, he felt a hand touching his, squeezing like Steve used to do when he was anxious and Bucky had to pull him against his own chest and make sure Steve simply breath.

They stayed like that for a few seconds, until Bucky pulled Steve to the door and outside, taking him trough the tunnel, until they reached the door that would led Steve back to his apartment. Steve thank him and pulled his hand back. Bucky says goodbye telling they will see each other in three days, Saturday morning, when Bucky comes back from his mission.

When Steve disappears in the dark tunnel, Bucky sighs, he is happy Steve is here, but being a field agent will always cut his time short.


	5. Building relationship

Howard is relieved when he gets the alarm, it means Steve just passed trough the first door and that soon he will be in the house. Through the day Howard arranged to not be disturbed, and he put his experiments on hold down at the lab, knowing he wants to have those hours with Steve to be free of worries. Fury gave the indicative Steve should only visit at night, staying between three to five hours and them going back to his place; later Howard knows he will make Fury stop meddling and bring Steve each time for more time until he moves in with them.

He prepared bolts of food, knowing Steve been to the boxing ring for hours and that he will probably be very hungry. Steve’s metabolism levels appear in his head and he adjust the chicken wings closer to what will be Steve plate, today he wants Steve to have as much as he wishes, more so than yesterday when the fondue was abundant but they still had to share for three. 

When Steve finds him and Howard wonders if he opened the other doors or if simply took the time to reach the kitchen, the man eyes are bulged taking all the dishes in front of him and Howard’s own figure wrapped in a plaid blanket, because he likes to much of the texture to turn on the heater. Steve sits, greeting Howard and asking permission to eat, it’s adorable and Howard himself serves him. He puts the chicken wings and a large hot dog, fries and onion rings follow, then he scoops some fried fish and sour cream to accompany. Steve grabs a fried potato as soon as he puts the plate back to the table and Howard picks up a burger for himself.

“Did you do all of this yourself?” Steve looks earnest and it warms Howard all over, the quiet voice reminds him of time they would wrap with a blanket and look the stars until one of them slept and the other kept awake watching so they didn’t get caught.

“I did, Barnes like shooting things on his private time, I like to do science and cooking is a close match. If I don’t do it, no one will and we are very careful with who knows about the house. Most agents think Barnes and I live in the common quarters, once in a while we do sleep there, other times we just come back really late or if we have to spend hours awake because of a large op, we simply sleep on my labs or his office.” Steve wolfed down almost his whole hot dog before smiling sheepishly at him.

“Director Fury told me you trained agents, I kept wondering yesterday why I couldn’t train in here too.”

“In a way you will train here, at our base a least. The house is closer to your fake apartment, but the base is several kilometers away and you will have to keep appearances, that means going through the other side. Barnes and I use a elevator system that covers great distances to reach it, you can use that to come to us after you finish the training or use your apartment like you are doing this week.” Steve considered it what Howard said while he continued to eat from his plate, that had only half the food Howard served him.

“All these moving and spy thing gives me a headache. I really thought it would be easier and since S.H.I.E.L.D left me alone at first I almost believe it, now I wonder what Fury really wants from me.” 

“To posses you body and soul, that’s what patch-eyed Fury wants. I hate working with him, but he is the the most reasonable guy from the government to work with. Him and Coulson, but Coulson is handling Tony and Jesus, my son is the most difficult man to deal with. If you think I blow things too much, is because you didn’t see Tony, he almost destroyed his home in Cali, I’m just glad he seems to be better and know lives in NY, that means I can keep a better eye on him.” Howard gave a bite to his burger and got back to talking. “Fury has his own plans, that you will find soon enough I’m sure, I can’t say much, but I know he been recruiting people around and he will move soon if what I heard is correct.”

Steve grabs another hot dog and keep his eyes on Howard, it’s strange to have the time to simply enjoy a meal together. At war, there was mostly fumbling in Howard’s quarters, rarely they would go to New York on leave to stay in his house, once or twice they manage a quiet night in a semi destroyed home, always looking out so no one would find them in compromised situations. 

Being a invert could get you in prison and even being rich like the Starks wasn’t enough to erase such a fault. Steve grown up with people telling queer were going to hell, that they weren’t real man and that they should be beaten into a pulp of blood for their against nature actions. The army wasn’t more lenient, even if occasionally someone would end up tangled with a friend to release tension after weeks without woman near by. He saw what they called back then, sissies being raped or killed if they tried to got way from man that thought they were even lower than street whores. Any relationship that might be less vicious ended really quickly, because everyone was afraid to be the next.

In Brooklyn, Steve kept his head up, fighting bullies along the way and trying to survive; woman didn’t look at him and many times people would mention he was a fag, because of his size. There were enough times coming back home all bruised in his attempts to prove people wrong. When he started to feel jealousy about the girls Bucky would bring to their shared apartment or when he would go out and come back hours later smelling some sweet perfume and sex, Steve started to think something was really wrong with him. Because even when he tried to convince himself that he wanted a dame of his own and he was just angry they only came to his friend, his arguments lacked conviction.

“You gone quiet, I know my food is delicious, Steve, but will you speak with me? It’s been too long.” Howard didn’t say he missed Steve, the man never admitted his feelings, but Steve knew this was Howard’s inquiry, a way to know if Steve was still willing.

When they started to understand themselves after Howard gave him his shield, Steve started to see signals, little things the other around them didn’t realise amidst the chaos, but Steve always been smart and known with a even better focus he could observe so much more. Howard acted different around him, more gentle, less challenging. When the first offer to share his bed came, on drunk night he been melancholic after two girls that worked at the QG died in the way to work, Steve been vulnerable. As the time passed he started to see such a different side of men that preferred other men’s company, that things became less crazy and more tender.

“Remembering how you first asked me for a nookie.” Howard laughed at the term, of course Steve wouldn’t say fuck or even the more polite futz.

“Well, I didn’t know if you would be swell.” Howard stressed the word and Steve grinned at him, Fury truly was stupid if he thought Steve wasn’t learning while being left alone to understand this new time. “Or if I would turn into mush with your super soldier strength.”

“You really did like the muscles.” Steve moved to his third hot dog, Howard was a master in them, they tasted even better them the one’s he used to eat in Brooklyn. 

“Still do.” Howard dragged the words, and Steve watched as Howard’s eyes got darker.

While they continued to eat, Steve considered his thoughts from last night after he went back to his apartment. If Howard’s behavior today were to take for a safe bet, Steve was almost sure the man wanted to pick back what they had before Steve was frozen. Howard was a very handsome man and Steve knew he would be a solid figure in his life now, which led him to think maybe things could end better this time around. At war there was always a sense they didn’t have enough time, that at any moment they would lose what little was left. Now, hiding again, having to keep himself out of the public eye, he would live a life of deception, but maybe a sweet one.

“I,...Howard how can we...does Bu..” Steve stopped when he saw Howard’s eyes close.

“I should have guessed he would beat me to you. I know I’m moving fast and wanting things that probably would only make you feel even worst, but Steve? I have been looking for you for so many years and I tried to move one, Kevin would only stay in my place for a few months, than it was just a year, decades passed and I never thought to go back, not even for my son. It wasn’t all for you, I had other reasons to be hidden, but I always thought that if I found you we could..”

“We could?”

“We could share more than a few shags around destroyed buildings. I get it, you always wanted him, I knew back them, but somehow I deceived myself in believing you would want me just a tiny bit. Barnes will have a field day when he finds out.” Howard pushed his plate away from him without looking to Steve and got up with the glass of soda in hand. “I will be in my labs, I have a experiment to look after, maybe I can see you tomorrow, if I don’t need to be on base. Thank you for the company.” 

As Howard left the kitchen, Steve looked to his hands, resting still in the table. It would have been so easy to touch the other man’s hands and assure him that with time Steve could see himself ready. Bucky’s and his relationship never really amounted to a romantic relationship, Steve had been sweet on him, but his friend was always moving to the next pretty girl. Besides Peggy, before and after the serum, and some girls that had look at him when he grown the muscles, only Howard had been interested and he knew well Stark appreciated his figure, but he liked even better of his good memory and his witty banter about the constantly politics at stake in war.

Yesterday it came back in full force how much he liked to watch Bucky sleep to memorize the lines of his face and muscles of his arms in the cramped spaces they once shared. Howard had his humor full on and it eased Steve so much, because as much as he could see darker shadows and more worries in Howard’s eyes, he continued to be same funny fella he had been back then. Bucky was a mystery, coming back from the dead and sporting his new arm that cast in him such a dangerous tone, Steve was having difficulty in understanding his feelings.

Deciding to go back to the apartment, he started to tuck in the food in the fridge, he was sure Howard would bury himself in whatever he was working and the food would be forgotten in the table. When he finished he found a notebook glued to the wall, for the faded marks of a pen Howard checked to see Bucky’s notes. He left a note for Howard, hoping he could explain himself tomorrow.

Walking through the tunnels Steve decided to be brave, things were still fuzzy with his mind and the war memories continued to assault his dreams, but he would certainly thank the good graces that came his way. He had a new chance with Bucky and Howard and he wasn’t going to ruin it.

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The next day Howard was waiting for him at the Coffee Shop and Steve knew he read the note, because his face looked less tense compared to last night when he left Steve alone. They walked very close and Steve considered slipping his hand to hold Howard’s; he soon discarded the thought, they needed to speak first.

This time Howard led him to the library and they sat comfortably near the fireplace. There was a table between them, and to his surprise five large pizzas were stacked in there, Howard really knew how much he needed to eat. It was hard to see what Howard might be thinking, since he soon hid behind a piece of pizza and didn’t look at Steve.

“I’m sorry for yesterday, but I’m still kind of lost with all this. Would you wait a bit, just so we could know each other better? If I had a say in the future relationship Peggy and I would have, a dance would be the first step.”

“You want to dance with me?” Howard smiled just a bit and Steve was already glad he seemed less sad.

“Only if you teach me, but actually I think I want to woo you. We never had time to really be together, now we can, I can talk more about growing up in Brooklyn and you can tell me how you lived all this time after I was frozen.”

Howard considered that for a few moments and pushed himself up from his chair, his pizza piece was left in the card box, as he let himself drop in Steve’s lap. Steve felt the warm breath against his lips and when they touched he let himself enjoy what Howard was giving. It was just as good as he remembered, maybe better that he knew no one would look for them.

“All right, but I expect to receive very beautiful flowers to put in my bedroom, perhaps a token of your intentions as well?” Howard continued on top of him, smiling just a tad brighter.

Steve pulled something from his pocket, a small piece of paper, folded carefully to not give too many creases. Howard opened carefully and he gasped at the drawing, it was of them sited in Stark Manor, sleeping soundly in bed, naked and entwined with a big fuzzy plaid blanket to protect them from the cold. The room was so amazingly portrayed Howard would frame and rest in his nightstand, it was too precious to be with the others.

“I can arrange that.” 

+-+-+-+

Steve sneak out of the house when Howard left to dispose the card boxes, he was determined to find suitable flowers in the garden. Another day he would buy them and bring it for Howard, but today he wanted to assure both of them this could start well. He picked roses, all orange because they were the most firm he could find. With some bushy green plant he enveloped them to look like a bouquet and it looked good, but something was missing, that’s when he rounded the house and found lavender, that he braided to lock the rest of the plants together as well as mixing them with the roses. 

When he got back to the front of the house Howard was there, his breath short and relived to see Steve. It never crossed his mind that Howard would be afraid he would leave, but a least the flowers made Howard laugh and for know it was enough.

 

+-+-+-+

Howard’s bedroom was gorgeous in turquoise, ivory and deep brown shades and Steve thought the pop of color from the flowers were great. As Steve let himself sleep with Howard in his arms, he wondered how Bucky would react to his and Howard’s building relationship. Steve promised himself to sleep just for a couple of hours and then he would talk to Howard again, they would need to tell Bucky, even if it meant Bucky would push him away again.

Not that Bucky had any reason to be mad, but the bitter words still very fresh in Steve’s mind about him leaving behind Bucky to be with Howard, Steve was going to enter the hurricane’s eye pretty soon. He would have to come with a plan to win back Bucky’s trust too and not let himself be sidetracked by Howard’s exuberance.


	6. Bucky is not freaking out

Bucky was frustrated, his mission didn’t blown, but they didn’t do much progress either, coming back home meant Steve would come by and they would have a chance to talk things over again, but he was really tired and feared not to be much of a company right now. The house was quiet and he decided to take a shower before going to find if Stark had made any food.

When he passed by Stark’s bedroom it was closed, Bucky stopped to think, Howard never left his door close after he woke up, unless he didn't wake yet. But why would Howard be still sleep past eight? The man religiously woke up at seven, taking a shower and eating something before heading to his labs, in the house or in the base. The open door was a code they had invented long ago, if the door was open Bucky was fine and Howard wake, if it was closed Bucky didn’t want anyone near and Howard was asleep. It was very clever when Howard was still gaining Bucky’s trust and they were just trying to learn how to live together.

He opened the door slowly, it wasn’t time to let his guard down, if Howard was in danger Bucky would take care of it. No one should be in the house besides them, Steve would only visit at night, Fury kept that way to not rise suspicions and they avoided anyone of finding how to get here. Howard was still in bed, his back turned to the door, Bucky didn’t know if he was dead or not, but Bucky needed to be careful nevertheless. 

When he approached the nightstand he saw Howard had someone tucked against him, however who would be there? Pulling the blanket off he saw Steve, sleeping gingerly, with a relaxed face and his hands holding Howard’s shirt as if he was afraid the other man would disappear. How did they end up in bed together after only two days alone? And worst, why was Steve here if Fury only allowed encounters at night?

If Steve wanted to go back to Howard, Bucky wouldn’t interfere, despite wanting nothing more than having both of them suffer for going behind his back. His hands clenched into fists and his mind started to conjure scenarios: Howard bloodied on the floor, Steve crying; Howard screaming while Steve run away; poison leaving purple blood in it’s place; people trying to resurrect them. He breathes in and out, trying to calm himself, Steve and Howard aren’t the enemies.

His vision funnels, Steve is always gorgeous when he sleeps, no one should look like that when drool is in question. Howard has bed hair and his face will probably be all marked when they wake up. Which leads Bucky to consider if he should wake them or just go and take the shower he was supposed to. As if summoned, Howard opens his eyes and immediately his spine stiffens, their training really is inbreed.

“Don’t freak out, Barnes, we just slept in the same bed.” Howard isn’t looking at him, but his voice is steady and Bucky knows it’s half of the truth, but he still can’t know what Steve and Howard did while he was away.

“I’m not freaking out, Stark.” 

“So unclench your fists and go take your customary shower after a mission, when Steve wakes I’ll tell Fury to shove it and he can spend the day with you.” 

Bucky unclench his hands immediately in a reaction familiar to the first times Howard had to learn not to trigger any password the soviets may left behind; the ones that stayed with him even after a few years of the drilling Stark did in his head. He turns around, giving his back to the other men in bed and leaves the room. Stark will do as he said, Bucky doesn’t have any reason not to believe in it. Howard always made sure to follow his own instructions to not cause any disrupt in Bucky’s brain coding. 

He’ll take his shower and come back later, he will learn from Steve lips what is he and Howard are doing.

+-+-+-+  
Howard is nowhere in sight when Bucky returns to his room, Steve is waiting by the bed, a frame in his hands, but from the door, Bucky can’t see what is in it. Without sound he enters the room and walks to stay directly behind his friend, they should leave Howard’s room and go to a more neutral place to talk.

“Was your mission ok?” Steve continues to look at the frame and Bucky can see it’s one of his drawings, one Howard never showed Bucky.

“Ok is the right word, it wasn’t good nor bad, just ok. I think my new agent threw us off, maybe when the other one gets better from his injury, we’ll have another shot.” Steve hums and finally drops the frame back at the nightstand.

“I made it for Howard, he probably framed while I was sleeping. It’s strange, now both of you are more silent and it’s very hard to be alert when you don’t hear any disrupting sound. ” Bucky leans closer and brushes Steve’s side when his hand goes to grab the frame.

It’s a very elaborated piece,a room is perfectly drawn and on the bed Steve and Howard sleep naked, their bodies touching in almost everyplace. He belly warms and his heart almost stops, they match so well, how can he compete with a relationship it’s rebuilding itself after Steve being frozen and Howard removing himself from the world? He puts the frame back and turns his back to Steve, that had turned to look at his expression while he looked.

“Bucky, I..”

“You don’t need to say anything, Steve, it’s fine. I know you’re lovers, he told me that when I asked. I just thought maybe I had a chance to get you back before he made his move. I always seem to forget how Stark is fast when he wants something.” Bucky wanted to scape, his instincts told him to run trough the door and don’t look back, it wouldn’t be worth it to live under the same roof as Steve if they would be apart again.

“You never lost me, not even at war, but when you run and when you push away, how can I know what you want? Howard and I will try to works things again, but I don’t want us not to be ok.” Steve’s face looked hurt and Bucky didn’t now what to do. It hurt him too.

“I can’t be ok when you are with him, Steve! I learned that the hard way.” Bucky wanted to leave, but when Howard appeared at the door his muscles stopped and he almost slumped to the floor.

“Fury is having a hussy fit, and wants you above ground, Steve. Go to your apartment or the boxing ring if it’s better, come back tomorrow. I already arranged for you to stay the day hours, come around three pm. The password will be Brooklyn SB.” Howard stayed where he was, waiting for Steve to go, and Bucky thought they would probably end up shouting at each other if Stark’s pointed face was a clue.  
Steve looked defeated, but he didn’t say anything while he squeezed Bucky’s shoulder and kissed him in the cheek. To Howard he gave a hug, a long comfortable hug that seemed to try and fuse them together. Bucky could still move away and close himself in his bedroom, he knew Howard wouldn’t go against that signal.

“Don’t you dare move or I will punch you and take any means I need for you to listen to me.” Howard pushed him in the chest and he let himself drop to the bed, if he wanted he could stop it and still go away, he was stronger, but Howard knew his moves to well to go without a fight. “Do you really want to hurt him? I saw how you were rogue with him at the Coffee Shop, and now you are being stupid again. You won’t lose Steve because he wants to be with me, you never lost Steve. In fact, because you are a moron, you almost succeeded in making him believe he shouldn’t try to be happy.” Howard looked exhausted and Bucky knew that he didn’t sleep as both him and Steve had thought.

“Nothing of this is your business, you should be glad, Steve will be with you and I will be away in missions.” Howard got him by his neck and pulled him up, Bucky’s metallic arm tried to move in instinct to protect, but his mind stopped in time.

“When you go away, he isn’t whole. When I’m away, and he tries to make you see how he can divide his time, he isn’t whole either. I would never ask him to choose me over you, because he can’t, James. So stop doing the martyr routine and stop being angry at me. We can sit like grown man and discuss this or you can run away again and I won’t be here to help again with the fixing.” Howard drooped his hand from Bucky’s neck and closed his eyes. There were tears, Howard never cried. “I can’t hear you screaming every night again. I can’t hear him screaming at night either. I bloody tired of everyone punching me when I tried my best. He is here, I dedicate my life, my son’s life to find him and I dedicated all this years to help you be ok again. It’s time for me to rest.” 

Bucky watches as Howard moves away from him and out trough the door; how didn’t see before the lines of worry or how Howard never gloated about his help. He wasn’t ungrateful, he knew how much work Stark had to fix his brain and deal with all the treatment to break his commands and triggers. Howard gave him a home too, someone to go back at nigh, to know of his whereabouts. Not once he asked to quit or threw his anger a Bucky while they tried every psychological thesis.

He called him Stark all the time, but it had been years since he only thought about him like that. They had two decades working together, why the animosity was still there? Steve was part of the problem, of course, but there was another obstacle. Bucky shook his head, he better take his shower and rest. When Steve came back tomorrow, the talking would start all over again.


	7. Sharing

One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two three. Why the fuck had he leave? Fury could go to hell, he was his own man and was not obliged by any S.H.I.E.L.D. contract. Flying balls and blasts around him. Bucky didn’t get what Steve wanted, not even he knew what he wanted. Men dying around him, blood dripping trough their uniforms and streaming on the floor like morbid rivers.

One, two,three, his breathing is starting to peak.

One, two, three, and the punching bag explodes against his fist.

One, two, three, Howard will kill him if he knows.

Maybe not, he suggested himself that Steve should go to the ring. Howard eyes are everywhere he looks. Back then filled with sorrow for not being able to tell Steve his feelings. Now, knowing Steve can’t surrender yet. Back then, fighting him, yelling and telling Steve to “get a grip” and go back to life after Bucky died. Now, how he somehow knows Bucky is a ghost between them, even if he is alive.

Another bag at the hook and his shoulders ache with fatigue and pain. One, two, three, Bucky hurt eyes looking at him. Four, Peggy telling him she wants to marry him and Steve believing that being a invert is just a phase. Five, Howard punching him and calling his crap. Six, Fury telling him Howard was dead and that he had a son. Seven, that beautiful house where Steve wants so badly to live. Eight, the second bag explodes and he falls to the floor.

Cannons, Hydra, Schimidit, Ereskin, the shield, Howard’s mouth against his, Peggy and their date, Bucky falling, motorcycles, Dum Dum and Jaques, shotguns, burnt flesh, men dying, Brooklyn in the morning, his mother gone, the serum...

“Fuck.” His life was supposed to get better.

What had him done? 

Howard is there, by his side, kissing his temple and murmuring silliness. Bucky is there too, smoking, laughing at Steve’s blushing cheeks. It’s not true, Bucky doesn’t have a metallic arm and Howard never touches him in front of people. 

One, two, three, his mind collapses.

+-+-+-+

 

When Steve wakes up he is not at the boxing ring, he is pretty sure this isn’t S.H.I.E.L.D. or even his apartment. He considers Bucky and Howard’s home, but from the tour Bucky gave him he is pretty sure there wasn’t a white room anywhere. He flushes remembering the night Howard told him between kisses his hate for rooms that looked like hospital installations and that he would never have a white room in his home.

Looking around he sees a redhead woman sitting not too far from him and she seems to be reading a magazine of some sort. She doesn’t look at him, nor does she seems to even notice he is in the same room as her. Her clothes are mostly black and her hair is neatly tied in a bun; he feels waves of tension coming from her.

“Stop staring and ask what you are dying to ask, Captain Rogers, I won’t kill you.” Her eyes are very bright and sharp, but he doesn’t get intimidated as he used to be, the way she behaves reminding him vaguely of Peggy.

“Where are we? And who are you?” She puts the magazine in the floor and turns her body slightly towards his bed.

“My name is Natasha, and I’m a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. When you passed in the box ring I brought you to one of our installations in New York. Director Fury let me on stand by, he was sure things could get overwhelming with your new training on the base.” 

Steve isn’t sure if she is talking about the base he will fake train or about Howard’s home, her posture seems to indicated the first, but her eyes are so wise he isn’t sure. Natasha looks solid and welcoming, driving him to be comfortable, but something is off and Steve starts to move his body in case he needs to sprint on a run. 

“You don’t need to assume a fighting stance, the Director himself will be here shortly and you will be able to go back to your apartment very soon. I’ve been watching you as a security measure in the last two days, but rest assure I didn’t invade your privacy.” Steve is still wary, but he relax fractionally.

The door opens and Natasha gives a small nod before leaving the room, Fury sits in the chair she was and stays there watching. It comes crashing again, he is back on a hospital bed and thought this time they didn’t mount a pretend set, they are continuously hiding things from him. 

“I got a very distressed call from Stark a few minutes ago and then my agent moves people from their posting station to bring you to the hospital. Is there something you would like to share Captain?” Fury keeps his voice low and Steve wonders if with all the double spying if Fury is ever not careful.

“Too much on my head; too much people watching every step I make. I’m starting to get tired of all and I’m pretty sure you didn’t even got me on track for whatever S.H.I.E.L.D. or you want from me.” Fury watches him thoughtful, Steve squirms under the attention.

“And you are sure that those are different things?” 

“If Howard and Bucky are alive and hidden and only you know about that, what prevents you from hiding more things or tells me you don’t have different plans from however are your bosses?” Steve watches as the impassive face turns into a smirk and he is glad this man is showing some kind of emotion.

Fury doesn’t say anything and Steve didn’t expect him to say, but he wants to have some kind of information, so he asks if Natasha knows about Howard and Bucky and specially if the agents they train and work on the base know.

“Natasha knows Barnes from his time as the Winter Soldier, she was soviet spy just like him, they work together in missions sometimes. She doesn’t know about Howard and to all affects Howard uses masks when he is working with others; the man likes his traveling too much to keep himself hidden.” Steve remembers how much Howard doesn’t stay quiet, it took the war to rage around them to get Stark at his lab working to shreds and even then he would still go to New York because of one or other project that couldn’t be in Italy because of a multitude of problems.

“I just wish you all stop with the shadows game and talk to me, I’m not innocent or stupid and it just gets my head disturbed.”

“We all would like to not have to do this job, Rogers, but we have to do it anyway. I will talk to Howard and ask him to accelerate your training, you should move to the base with the others.”

When Fury got up and left, Steve was sure the concession was more because something was happening than something for Steve or because Fury wasn’t taking Howard pressure well.

 

+-+-+-+

To his surprise, Bucky comes and get him, his hair seems different and his nose it’s weird, but the eyes are Bucky’s and the voice, even strained with worry, is his. Right there, leaning against his friend, Steve remembers uncountable times when Bucky carried him or just held him so he wouldn’t fall after a big asthma attack. Right then, Bucky seems a bit more real, less the cold spy and assassin and more the snarky kid from Brooklyn.

Howard hovers on him when they get to the house and Steve honestly only wants to sleep. If he thought getting to the underground base took time when he was well, it was even worst when Bucky put him on his back and carried him there. While Steve and Howard had fooled around during war and Bucky and Steve grew up sharing body heat, this body beneath him is strange in a way that his recognition of Bucky in the hospital almost washes out.

Bucky is larger, more muscled and sharp. His face disguised and his smell so different from the old cheap soup they used to use. And Steve is suddenly desperate to see Bucky the way he was, caring in his own brute way. They never had much tenderness to each other, but he was sure he loved Bucky back then, even if he only realized he had a crush on him when he was already with Howard.

“Just sleep, Steve, Howard and I will be here when you wake up.” He tries to say something, but Howard shakes his head and gives him a stern stare. He will sleep, just to cool off the itching he had since he fainted, but afterwords, he will talk to them.

 

+-+-+-+

There are people talking around him, they are barely whispers, but the serum gave him a great hearing and the sounds aren’t that low. It’s the second time he wakes up in a strange bed; this time when he opens his eyes it’s to see Howard and Bucky talking near the door and he is in the room they spared him in the house base.

Howard stops talking when he props himself against the headboard and Bucky is the first to walk around the room and sit next to him. They seem to be evaluating how he is doing and he wants to laugh, because they know the serum protects him from almost everything and if Howard was really spying on him he would see his worried face and no other stimuli to his panic attack.

Bucky takes his hand, the one near him, and smiles faintly when Howard joins them in bed, sitting in the other side of Steve, cross legged and his knees touching Steve’s pyjama bottoms. Steve’s can hear the sudden noise in his ears and he wonders if what triggered his fainting before is coming back again; when he doesn’t see anything in his mind than the warm smile in Howard’s face and the way Bucky keeps squeezing gently his hand, he lets a breath go out and starts talking.

“I, well,.. so, maybe I did. Ok, I don’t..erh.” Howard laughs and Bucky takes two seconds to join and Steve huffs trying to hold the chuckle he wants to unleash. He never was good with too many words in the love department.

“Don’t work extra hard, Steve, or you will burst in flames and Howard sure hates when I burn, mutilate and/or blow my bedding's.” Buckys jab made him laugh to the point of tears in his eyes, that was the Bucky brand of sarcasm just right.

Howard eyed them and let himself fall to the bed, lying beside Steve, Bucky looked nervous now, all traces of laughter behind and his face not exactly hard, but less relaxed. Steve wanted to know what was going on, but he really didn’t know what to ask.

“Stop frowing, Barnes and just tell him.” Howard voice was soft, despite the dry words.

“We talked and if you are okay with it,” Bucky looked at Howard and Steve saw a tiny nod from him before Bucky started again.”and we want you to think about it before answering. ” Bucky stopped again and Steve squeezed his hand to assure him, the whole room was completely tense and Steve wanted the soft atmosphere they had before. “Howard and I agreed that if you want and neither of us is reading the situation wrong, which wouldn’t be the first time, you can have both of us.” Steve just stared, until Howard turned on his side pushing himself closer.

“At any way you want. I know we started to fool around again, but I saw how you were the next morning when Bucky came in. I also remember well how you felt, no, feel about him. For us, it’s been decades, but for you, its just a few weeks. I get it, Steve, I always knew you loved him and if the other alternative is not having you, them I can share.” Howard was murmuring against his ear, as if he didn’t want Bucky to hear, but all three of them knew he could anyway.

“I’m not sure how this will work, Steve, but if you want me.” Bucky struggled with the words and Steve nodded, he really wanted him. “ If you want me, then I can try to work this, you’ll have be patient, but I think it’s worth it. I just can’t have you hurting or away, today taught that me that.” 

When Howard said even lower “I know is worth it and Steve does too”, Steve closed his eyes, of course this was worth it. 

He just didn’t know what to do or how to ask them what they wanted. Howard was easier, they had some sort of relationship to account for, but Bucky, it was all different and scary. There is some tension in them and he doesn’t know the cause yet, but he is willing to discover it and try to change it.

“We can talk more about this when you come back from the mission Fury will send you when you go above ground, Steve.” Howard kissed him on the cheek and when Steve stiffened, Bucky squeezed his hand again.

“You won’t die or get frozen again, we won’t let you. Howard and I will coordinate a lot of S.H.I.E.L.D. operatives, we will look for you, every step.”

Steve closed his eyes again,being spied this time meant something good, he just hoped he wouldn’t have to say goodbye thought a radio again. When Bucky laid his head in Steve’s chest, he opened his eyes and closed them again. This time it will be different, no matter what.


End file.
